Below is an excerpt from
Social Studies, a candid look at the
dynamic between a group of friends. Please be re-advised that this material may
not be suitable for minors.
INT. IAN SCOOTS HOUSE -
NIGHT
A large smokey drawing
room lounge in a Georgian maisonette with a large Arthurian table in the
centre. Large contempoary picture on the east facing wall with a battered chaise
long on the south facing wall.
In front of the picture
is a couple of turntables kicking out James Browns “Please, please, please”
Moochy
So whens Africas number
one son arriving?
Gara
He said he would arrive
between 7 and 9, not a precise time I hacent to add.
Blimp
Bloody Africans, and they
wonder why it is we colonised them.
Never have I seen a race of people so out of tune with time. In my days in the colony, .....
Gara
Colony; it’s Livingston
over there.
Blimp
I frequently saw the
kaffas arranging to meet “after the cock crows”; how I was sorely tempted to shoot
that cock and f*@! that microcosm in one fell swoop.
Patience
Ofcourse, you are punctuality
Blimp.
Blimp
I am where I say I am
going to be when I say.
Patience
Bar flys lament, youre a
f*@!in alcoholic, thats not a Newtonesque puzzle. The addict is never late for
a date with his fix.
Johnny
That’s fighting talk
that is.
Patience
Well, is there any need
for his bigoted nonsence.
Blimp
H—o--w ....? I--s .....?
your lovley wife, Andrew!
Patience
Point proved, incapable
of intelligently holding a rational point of view or arguing for an irrational
one, you turn to type; schoolyard jibes.
Bell
rings, enter RAMON.
RAMON
Sweet salutations
all... oops one exception; swaggering
salutations Blimp. Relapse
revisited. I thought the George Best
pills were meant to curtail your insatiable lust for Lucifer’s liquid son.
Blimp
(muffled)
Smug kaffa.
RAMON
It’s great to be alive
on days like this, good turn out on the social front; fags and alcohol a plenty
with laughs only a few bottles away.
Anyone got any “tabs for the lads”.
Blimp
(Contemptuous)
See, can’t even afford
to buy cigarettes, the f*@!g affront.
RAMON
Easy big guy, I have got
a packet, oops packets, your chosen brand, Geordie tabs for all.
Ramon throws a carton of
20 packets of cigarrettes
Moochy
(Aside to Hudson}
Generous so and so, what
a stand up guy. It’s about time he
bought some; if you didn’t know any better you would think that he was a f***in’
philanthropist.
Hudson
Just been paid Ramon.
Ramon turns to Hudson
RAMON
Flush mate.
hudson
Penny millionaire.
RAMON
RAMON looks across at Hudson
acknowledging that he knows that this was a pop but laughs generously]
That’ll
be it.
Ramon looks at Johnny
who has a open bottle of wine on the table.
Got a corkscrew,
cheers. Where is Petey boy?
Johny
Gorging himself on a
diet of self-pity and prozac I imagine.
RAMON
I thought the world was
now HIS after finally finding a gal to commune with on a regular basis.
Hatch
Yep, he's finally getting it regular.
RAMON
A tad cruel but feed me
Hatch and don’t dither, what’s she like.
Hatch
She’s eerr...
Gara
(sardonically)
Got a great personality.
Lads guffaw in approval.
Blimp
She would have to,to put
up with “Kid Halitosis”. No wonder the sods depressed; decaying stumps for
teeth, popped leather for skin. All this
is made worse by that infernal cowboy hat that he sees fit to wear, in
Newcastle.
Biker
As if that was not
enough he has the bare faced cheek to sport those jeans; so tight even a eunuch
would shed a tear.
Blimp
That’s why he wears them
so tight; he reckons the ladies hanker for a quote on quote, “ma but cheeks in
them there jeans.” The boys a melody
short of a song.
GARA
He’s a walking mess of dillusional
contradictions.
BIKER
A testament to the
legacy of a marriage between pushy
parents and a talentless child.
HATCH
Leave him alone.
MOOCHY
Why, anybody who wears
that hat is fair game.
GARA
There is nothing worse
for an aspirant middle class pushy parent than to see their last investment in social
mobility, f*!@ it up by squandering endless opportunities. All those school
fees, dashed.
BIKER
Dreams of their son gainfully employed in the square
mile. Dashed.
Blimp
Goldman Sachs
Matty
Glaxo
moochy
The Law
hudson
BP
Blimp
Dreams of the
bragging rights at the 19th hole of the Municipal golf course masquerading
as a private members golf club.
blimp
Dashed.
BIKER
Any job with the word
officer or at worst executive (not assistant) will have to do
Blimp
Realistic people
gara
And what does he end up doing, in his fathers words “You not only live with the
lower classes but you have chosen to immerse yourself in their tawdry
affairs by becoming
Blimp
A social worker
gara
Why have you done
this to us, we do not deserve this. You imbecile”
RAMON
That’s beautiful, the
be--trayaaal.
Joe
Thought he was an outreach
worker?
Biker
Imagine telling these
people that he was a social worker, WORKER, not the LAW, KPMG or even executive
but worker. They were mortified, imagine
how they would be if he told them he was an outreach worker.
RAMON
He
lied, why bother
biker
Because he wants to
continue seeing them. They will only see
him at Xmas now. He’s aleady cut from
the will.
RAMON
Because he’s an outreach
worker?
biker
Apathy Ramon, the boys
weak in the head. Can’t have that sort
of thing amongst the troops.
RAMON
Thats deliciously tragic
isn’t it, bet he loves his dad.
biker
Worships him
LMETM © Fell House